the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It all started with a game of naked twister.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
