I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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