My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize