If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
Say something about gay babies.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
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