If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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