Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
