i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
