College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
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