i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug
This is sufficient.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
