Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
He called his prostate his "boner button".
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
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