I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
Pants are for mortals
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
