I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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