"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
Duck Duck Cougar?
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
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