You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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