i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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