yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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