Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
