I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
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