so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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