Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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