I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
