Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Semen is not good for contacts.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
What drink are we having for lunch?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
