am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
