Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
