It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
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