I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
