I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
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