I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Randomize