It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
