I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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