mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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