I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I swear if I see one more guy in a v-neck and fedora I'm going to punch someone in the balls. This is philly, you're not supposed to look like Ryan Cabrera
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
