I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Randomize
