I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
