I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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