her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
