Tell her she can't have a vagina
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
