If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
IF WE WERE REALLY BEST FRIENDS FOREVER YOU GUYS WOULD AGREE TO A WATCHING A PORNO PARTY
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
not ubering you a puppy
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Randomize
