i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
