Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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