So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
