I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
