I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
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