Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
