Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize
