i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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