I love black thongs
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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