So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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