I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
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