Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
