She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
