She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Randomize
