hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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