I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
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