i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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