I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
