All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
