I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
