she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Randomize
