no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
This house was built for laser tag.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
and you fell through a lawn chair
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
