I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
we should paint friendship bongs
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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