and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
