I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
