oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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