Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Randomize
